no looking back

It's taken me a long time to fully encapsulate the experience I've had over the last decade of my life. I look back and feel the immense gripping pain for all I endured. Trauma endured scars upon my heart and tear stains remain on my cheeks. I still feel the agony of every night that I screamed and poured my heart out to God for begging for mercy. 

I sit today in bed with a hot coffee in my crossed legs, wearing my ragged blue robe that was once magical and lush. Blankets around my knees and I can feel the lush topper under me. Total comfort and ease.  

Behind my gratitude for all I have, is a sadness for all I have lost. Sometimes we have to fall apart to be put together again but I've done it so many times in my lifetime, pieces of myself have been lost entirely. 

The once loving and oh so bubbly person I used to be is but a facade these days. I remember being nick named *bubbles* because I brought a spark of childlike joy to people's days but this is hard to do now. I feel no joy - in fact I feel nothing at all.

My heart used to love like a balloon being blown to capacity. The feeling of immense love for someone or something, would expand within me and making me feel like I could float away, totally full of warm and endearing love. I now feel dissocated when with others and things no have any impact on me. I'm without all emotion but sadness resides fully within me these days. 

I would find trees to wrap myself around, to climb and to swing from. I would pick flowers and sing songs of how amazing it is to be alive. I would dance to every beat and joyously sing to every song. I always had a profound love for life. 

But I'm lost in a dark place where I feel I will never see the light from here. It's empty and vast of nothingness. I have nothing to hold or rock to steady myself but my solid form in mourning muttering the wrongs and doubts of my mind. Ruminating on the why's and how's and wishing I hadn't spent all those years giving myself away. 

There's a story to who I am now. 

I wasnt always this person. 

Maybe today I will quietly pick myself up and drag myself into a better feeling. But the bed is so inviting and I feel I could sleep years to recover from the pain I feel inside. To hide away and not deal with feelings would be nice.

Let me tell you my story 

If you want to know