Posts

Meeting Him

I've rarely considered going back to the beginning of it all.  I wasnt entirely ready to meet someone new. I wanted to feel safe. I knew that really all I wanted was someone to stand in my space and protect me from him. To be stronger and my lifeline when he returned. It had only been a few weeks admittedly since the last time I saw him. And he was losing himself more everytime. He walked around my small flat with a twisted manner of displease and contempt brewing within him. I had never seen someone conquer such energy from nowhere. I heard the voices talking to him as he muttered to himself and always prayed they would let him rest. The relentless chatter told him I was to blame and I was the one to judge and therefore punish. It had been three years of knowing him at this stage. I'd meet a man with a positive smile and a hard working ethic. Dedication to his job. Formal dress and well mannered. And when he approached me at my desk I was immediately taken aback by his brown e
Read more

no looking back

It's taken me a long time to fully encapsulate the experience I've had over the last decade of my life. I look back and feel the immense gripping pain for all I endured. Trauma endured scars upon my heart and tear stains remain on my cheeks. I still feel the agony of every night that I screamed and poured my heart out to God for begging for mercy.  I sit today in bed with a hot coffee in my crossed legs, wearing my ragged blue robe that was once magical and lush. Blankets around my knees and I can feel the lush topper under me. Total comfort and ease.   Behind my gratitude for all I have, is a sadness for all I have lost. Sometimes we have to fall apart to be put together again but I've done it so many times in my lifetime, pieces of myself have been lost entirely.  The once loving and oh so bubbly person I used to be is but a facade these days. I remember being nick named *bubbles* because I brought a spark of childlike joy to people's days but this is hard to do now.
Read more